Caught by Her Read online

  I finally released the breath I’d been holding and turned to Paul, ready to apologise, but he held up his good hand.

  “Understandable Lena - Don’t apologise for him. I’d feel exactly the same. I guess I’m lucky he’s not the type to kick someone when they’re down or I’d have a broken face to go with the rest of me!” He winked, trying to lighten the mood.

  Paul stayed a little while longer before letting me know that he was going home. He tried to cheer me up but my smiles and laughter were fake and he knew it. When his mobile rang to let him know his lift home had arrived, I felt relieved. Nate hadn’t returned and I wanted Paul to be gone when he did.

  “I’ll let you off for a week or two, but don’t be a stranger, Lena. None of this is your doing. I expect you to put this behind you as nothing more than the freak accident that it was, and move on.”

  I wished it was just that simple. He could tell me not to feel guilty but I did. Every time I looked at him and saw his arm in a cast and the bruises discolouring his face, I’d know that it was my fault he’d been in the car.

  “Lena, don’t worry about Nate, give him time. He’s angry. He’ll come around.”

  I felt my fake smile slip. God, I hoped so.

  The anger I could cope with, the shouting and yelling, those things I’d expected, but his forced smiles; his reluctance to make intimate contact with me; the shutters that now covered his eyes, blocking me from his thoughts; those were the things that scared me.

  Nate returned a little while later. He stood stiffly at the foot of the bed.

  I began speaking as soon as he walked in, desperate to try and explain. “I’m sorry, Nate. I didn’t go to see him. I went to but then…I couldn’t. I was on my way back when it happened…”

  “I don’t want to hear it, Lena.” His voice was firm but quiet.

  I paused, opening and closing my mouth, needing to at least try and put something right between us. “Please, let me explain-”

  He lifted his eyes to meet mine, the intensity and anger in them making me drop my own gaze to the floor. “There is nothing you can say that will make me understand your desire to go there. Nothing. If he’s behind the letters - he will be dealt with, Lena. I told you that. You knew that… Do you have any idea how reckless and irresponsible it was to attempt to see him? Did you think going with Paul meant you’d be safe?” His voice had risen with each angry question before he slammed his palm down on the bedside tray, the noise echoing loudly with the sting of his hand. “Dammit!” he closed his eyes and took a deep, steadying breath, with his eyes still shut he spoke in a tightly controlled voice, “I am not discussing this anymore, and I am not telling you again - You do not get involved in this.”

  “Ok.” I answered softly.

  He opened his eyes to look at me, confirming with his sight what he’d heard.

  I nodded slowly, “Ok.” I murmured again and he nodded in satisfaction.

  I’d have agreed to almost anything. I hadn’t been able to deal with going to see him anyway. I couldn’t even think about the letters now. I wouldn’t let my mind go back there and dwell on them. I just wanted everything to go back to normal between us.

  “I’ve spoken to the doctors. They are happy with your progress. You’re able to go home later today. I’ve contacted your parents and said that I’ll drop you there once you’re ready.”

  I startled, his sudden change in topic throwing me off balance for a moment. “Nate, please,”

  He looked at me before clenching his jaw and turning to walk over towards the window. He spoke without turning around, “Lena, you’re going back to your parents. I know you’d probably rather go home but it’s not an option and I’m not willing to discuss this. They’re desperate to see you. They were advised not to come to the hospital with your father still undergoing chemo. I’ve been keeping them updated but they were both extremely upset and anxious. You’re going back to their house. That’s all there is to it. Maddie is on her way in now so I’m going to head to the canteen - give you girls some space. I’ll be back soon.”

  “I don’t care where I go, Nate, please, just talk to me!” I pleaded, frustrated with his attitude and the growing distance between us.

  His shoulders slumped slightly before he recovered and turned to face me. “We are talking, Sweetheart,” he sighed impatiently. “I’m going to go and get something to eat. Maddie should be here any moment. I’ll be back in an hour or so.”

  He turned and walked back out the room without so much as a backwards glance and I felt the first tear snake its way down my face, I wiped my cheek roughly, annoyed with myself.

  I was rapidly becoming the girl I’d sworn I’d never be.

  I felt drained, emotionally and physically, and I hated it. I hated how I’d been reduced to this, desperately seeking affection and reassurance from Nate, feeling like I needed him to make me better rather than being able to get my shit together on my own.

  Maddie walked through the door a few minutes later. The smile on her face fell instantly upon seeing me. “What’s wrong? Are you in pain? What’s happened?” Her voice was full of concern and I tried harder to make my own fake smile appear genuine.

  So much for putting a brave face on things!

  She came and sat on the edge of the bed so she was directly in front of me. “What’s wrong?” she asked again, her eyes full of compassion and worry.

  I felt tears prick at my eyes again and blinked them away. “Paul’s gone home already. I just want to go home and get everything back to normal. I hate being stuck here!” I sounded like a child but I didn’t care.

  She sat on the bed beside me and took my hand, “Paul wasn’t knocked unconscious, Lena. They need to keep you a little longer for observation. I’m sure you’ll go home later on. What else is bothering you, I can see the tears you’re holding back, what’s going on? Is everything Ok?”

  I cast my eyes downwards, feeling foolish at the extent of my hurt and upset. “I don’t know what’s going on with Nate. He’s really angry with me and he’s so distant. I’m finally willing to lean on someone but I feel like I’m losing him, Mads. This has really shaken me up. I need him but I don’t feel like he’s here, not really, not in the way that matters. I never needed anyone but he forced his way in, he made me feel like it was alright to need him, to rely on him - that he would always be there but, I don’t feel like he is. Not really.”

  She scoffed and shook her head, squeezing my hand affectionately to take away the sting of her rebuttal. “Sorry, Lena, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You should have seen Nate. The poor guy was beside himself. You’re not losing him! There’s no way… I don’t know why he would be angry with you, though. That’s ridiculous! It was a drunk driver. How is that your fault? I’ll give him hell when I see him!”

  I pulled a face and picked at the sheet on the bed. “He has his reasons to be angry. It’s not about that - Don’t you dare say anything!” I warned her before looking back down at my hands. “Anger I can cope with, but it’s him being so distant and cold that’s eating away at me. He’s not himself, things aren’t right between us. I can’t explain it.”

  I felt despondent. I really had expected more. I couldn’t help feeling let down by Nate, even if that was unfair of me. There wasn’t anything Maddie could say to make me feel better. No matter how upset Nate had been initially, things were feeling very different between us now.

  The last thought I’d had before losing consciousness had been of Nate and he had been the first thing on my mind as I opened my eyes. The accident had forced me to accept how much he meant to me. Unfortunately, I’m not sure the same could be said of him. Maybe I should have made my head listen when he said that he wasn’t in love with me, rather than listening to my heart.

  Maddie pulled the sheet out from between my fingers and laced her hand with mine. “Lena, I was here in the beginning, when you were unconscious. He didn’t and wouldn’t leave your side, not for a minute. He was in a right s
tate! He’s had a fright; just give him some time to get over the shock and upset and he’ll be fine.” She smiled confidently at me. We caught up for the next hour or so before Nate came back.

  He grinned at Maddie as he entered the room. “Hey, Mads! Lena, I’ve just checked with the nurses again. You’re good to go. C’mon, I’ll get your things together and we can get out of here.”

  “Excellent! See, baby girl - I told you that you’d be out of here before you knew it! Now take it easy when you get home and I’ll call round and see you in a few days. My shifts aren’t great at the moment. I’ll phone you, though.” Maddie gave me a quick hug and left to start work.

  Nate collected the few meagre items that had been stored in my bedside locker. We both turned as the nurse walked into the room. She briefly ran through information on painkillers that they’d provided and gave me some paperwork to keep hold of.

  We left the hospital, Nate carrying my bag and his arm slung around my waist to help me back to the car. I didn’t need the assistance but it was nice to feel his arm around me so I leaned on him, soaking up the comfort he was providing.

  He helped me get into the car before getting in next to me and turning the music up loud so that speaking was impossible.

  I looked out the window. For the first time since I’d known Nate I felt uncomfortable in his presence. He was just as attentive as ever. He’d hardly left my side and his actions were those of a concerned partner but I still felt uneasy. I’d known that he would be upset about me going to meet Jason but this felt like more than that. There had been an atmosphere since I’d regained consciousness at the hospital. I couldn’t even explain it to myself but it felt that there was a chasm developing between us and I didn’t know what to do about it.

  Within seconds of his car pulling into the drive, my parents’ front door swung open. My mother came running towards the car and wrapped her arms tightly around me. I cried out as she hugged me and she jumped away from me, apologising profusely as tears spilled down her cheeks.

  “It’s ok, I’m alright, mum, please don’t cry.” I hated that I’d upset my parents like this. They’d been through so much lately, the last thing they needed was further distress and upset.

  “I know, I know, oh God Lena, you gave us such a scare!”

  My father was standing in the doorway, waiting; he pulled me in for a hug as we got close. He was careful to put his arms around my shoulders. He didn’t speak, but held me to him and I wrapped my arms around his waist, feeling like a little girl again. We stood in silence for a few moments before he sighed and roused himself. “Oh Buttercup, you gave us such a fright! I guess we’ll call it even now,” he joked.

  Whether in reference to his heart attack or his battle with cancer I didn’t know, and despite the morbid thought I gave him a watery smile, thankful for his attempt at humour to stop me dissolving completely in the face of my parents upset.

  “Come on. Let’s get you back in the house.”

  We went through to the family room. My mother helped me to sit on the sofa, fussing around me with cushions, which showed me how anxious and upset she still was.

  “I called at your house and picked up a few bits for you. They’re all upstairs in your old room,” she said, sitting next to me and holding onto my hand tightly, seemingly reluctant to let go of me now that I was back in her grasp.

  Nate cleared his throat. “I’m going to head off then. I’m back in work tomorrow morning. I’ll give you a ring in the evening when I get home, Sweetheart,” he said, giving me a chaste kiss on the cheek.

  I looked at him, silently pleading with him to stay, to hold me, to explain to me what the hell was going on.

  “I’ll see you out,” I said, but he held out his hand to stop me.

  “No, Sweetheart, you stay here. It’s hard enough for you to get about with those ribs. Take it easy, I’ll speak to you tomorrow. I can see myself out.”

  He sounded thoughtful and caring, but all I saw was the wall that was building up between us. I could feel the distance that was growing with each passing moment. His green eyes, usually sparkling with mischief or desire when they met mine, were closed off. He gave a cheery goodbye to my parents and walked out of the room.

  I watched him leave, feeling as if my heart was breaking in two. I’d never needed or wanted anyone and when I’d finally started to open myself up, finally started to feel that I could rely on someone and trust him with my heart, he was breaking it apart.

  I wanted to demand that he explain to me what the hell was going on, but at the same time, I was terrified of hearing his answers. I felt more vulnerable and exposed than I had in a long time, and I hated it.

  I told my parents I wanted to go and lie down for a while. They looked concerned, but I insisted I was alright. I promised them that I would be back in an hour or two, pacifying them with talk of a film night.

  Carefully lying down on the bed from my childhood, I snuggled into the blanket, pulling the duvet up to my chin. Hot tears rolled silently down my cheeks and I didn’t bother trying to hold them in or stop them.

  I was losing him; I could feel it. He’d made me feel alive again; he’d made me believe in love, something that had never been on my radar, something that wouldn’t have ever been an option for me when I held people at arm’s length. He’d pushed past that, and, for the first time in my life, I began to see a future with someone. I’d opened myself up to him and I’d trusted him.

  I couldn’t understand what had gone so wrong but if he wouldn’t acknowledge that anything was wrong, how could we fix it?

  Nate

  I knew Lena was confused and upset, but I couldn’t stand around in her parents’ house and keep up appearances. I didn’t like knowing that she was probably feeling hurt, but right now I couldn’t help with that. At least she was home and with people who loved her.

  I needed space and time to try and get my head straight.

  My mind was a clusterfuck of emotions that I’d been battling to keep under control for the last few days. I’d latched onto the easiest emotion to grab onto – anger.

  I’d known instinctively that whatever the reason she had for being in the car with Paul, I wasn’t going to like the answer. But I hadn’t considered the possibility of who she could have been going to meet. I was livid. Paul was damn lucky that he was in the hospital to begin with.

  It had taken every ounce of restraint not to smash my fist into his face.

  I got home from dropping Lena at her parents, changed into my gym clothes and went downstairs, straight to the treadmill. I turned the music up loud and began to run, my feet pounding out my aggression in a steady thump of noise against the base of the machine. I ran until my chest burned and my legs felt like lead, but I still couldn’t switch my mind off.

  Hitting the stop button, I stood there for a few moments; hands on knees; bent over and panting, my body spent but my thoughts were still going at a million miles an hour. I shook my head in a lame attempt to clear the thoughts from my mind - the overwhelming relief I’d felt at knowing she was going to be alright; the strength and depth of my feelings for her; feelings that I hadn’t wanted or expected; a four letter word that had slammed into my mind and refused to go away, no matter how many times I shook my head and denied it to myself.

  Love…fuck that. Love hurts; love burns you; weakens you and often damn well breaks you. I didn’t need that kind of complication in my life.

  “Hey Bro, how you doing?” Marcus was leaning against the car as I walked towards him.

  “Yeah, good, you?”

  He moved away from the bonnet and sat in the driver’s seat as I climbed into the car. I knew he was watching me as I fiddled with the seatbelt so I didn’t have to meet his eyes.

  “How’s Lena doing?”

  I’d sent him a few texts to update him on her progress, but I’d not mentioned anything about where she had been travelling to or from, as it had turned out - or about my conflicting feelings since the accident. I tu
rned to look out the window as I answered, “She’s good. A bit beat up, bruises mostly.”

  “Shit, she was lucky, huh? How’s she doing otherwise?” he pressed, obviously referring to more than her physical injuries.

  “She’s alright. So, any news in work? Do I need to be aware of anything?” I changed the subject abruptly and I felt his eyes on me again, but he answered anyway.

  “Sarge is probably gonna rip you a new one for going AWOL mid-shift. It’s all been explained and I’ve done the best damage control I could, but I’d still be expecting it if I were you…” he trailed off and I felt him scrutinising me again. “So, Lena’s gone back to her parents?”

  I bit down on my tongue trying to defuse the irritation I felt bubbling up inside me. “Yep,” I answered shortly, hoping he’d let it go.

  Fucking hell, it wasn’t like Marcus to keep on.

  “Paul was alright too, you said?” he asked, oblivious to my tension - either that or he was choosing to ignore it.

  I turned to him, wondering if he was purposefully keeping on at me. I gave a half-hearted shrug as I tapped my fingers against the armrest, struggling to keep my temper in check.

  It wasn’t Marcus’ fault that I felt like an unexploded grenade; he was going to face the fall-out if he didn’t shut the hell up soon, though. “Yeah he’s fine. A bit more busted up - broken arm and broken ribs. He took more of the impact since it hit his side of the car but he’s alright.”

  Marcus started the car and we pulled away. “Lucky guy, or unlucky, depending on how you look at it.” He chuckled to himself. “You ok? You seem off?”

  “For fuck’s sake, Marcus! It’s like twenty fucking questions this morning!”

  He cocked his brow at me, looking unimpressed with my outburst, and we travelled the rest of the way in silence.

  We spent the morning dealing with a domestic disturbance call, which made my mind drift to Lena and the first time we’d met. The wife was reluctant to press charges and despite our efforts at persuasion, she refused to discuss it with us. Outwardly there were no obvious signs of injury to her, although she looked to be in pain, despite doing her best to hide it.