Caught by Her Page 7

  I might have been irritated initially by his dreadful timing but now, he’d better start talking! I needed an explanation as to what the hell was going on. I’d tried to be patient but enough was enough.

  “Ok, I’m sorry I looked at your letter; it was personal and I shouldn’t have read it, I am sorry, but I’ll be honest, Nate - I haven’t got a fucking clue what’s going on with you at the moment. One minute you’re telling me how much you wanna fuck me or how amazing I am; the next minute you’re pulling away again and shutting me out. You’re gonna give me whiplash from all the to-ing and fro-ing. What the hell is going on? Why are you blowing so hot and cold suddenly? I don’t know where I stand!”

  I was getting pretty sick of this bullshit. I felt like I was in a constant state of anxiety since the accident. He’d been there physically for me but it was as if his mind had been elsewhere and he’d been going through the motions.

  Tonight was the first time we’d been together since the accident and once again he’d been in a hurry to distance himself, disappearing downstairs. I couldn’t work out what he wanted. It was as if I suddenly didn’t know him anymore. Earlier it had felt as if things were just getting back to normal but now it seemed that it was all falling down around me again.

  He hadn’t responded, and I jumped up off the bed to stand facing him. “I wasn’t snooping about, Nate…I was putting the handcuffs back. I noticed the photos and thought how cute you looked - I didn’t think you’d mind - maybe I shouldn’t have looked at the letter - I am sorry - I didn’t realise how strained the relationship between you and your brother was…” I was rambling.

  “Why would you?” He was blunt, cutting me off. “I don’t want to talk about my family…”

  “You never do, Nate. You never want to talk about anything to do with you! I thought we’d be past this! I’m expected to share everything with you but I get nothing in return, not unless I force it out of you! Fine! Don’t talk about your family, now’s not the time, anyway. You can explain to me what the hell has been going on the last couple of weeks, though. What the fuck is’it’s not you’ supposed to mean? Why did you need the feel to run off just now? Putting distance between us yet again by practically jumping out of the bed we’d just shared…I feel like I’m on a goddamn emotional rollercoaster with you lately!”

  “For God’s sake, Lena” he cursed quietly.

  “C’mon, Nate, you’re there but you’re not there…not really. You’ve been pulling back from me. You haven’t even called me princess since the accident, yet today you do, only to tell me straight afterwards: “It’s not you, and let’s just have tonight.” I mimicked his phrases sarcastically.

  “Seriously, you’re pissed that I haven’t called you princess?” He looked at me in disbelief and I wanted to throw something at him.

  I got up and paced the room instead. “Nate!”

  “You scared the shit out of me, Lena. I thought I was losing you…” He rubbed his hand roughly over his jaw. “I don’t understand how you could be so fucking stupid! Why didn’t you say anything to me? Why call Paul?” His voice was harsh but I could hear how hurt he was.

  I felt relief that we were arguing; at least I was getting a reaction from him. Anger was a million times better than the aloofness or indifference that he’d seemed to have been showing lately.

  “It was a split-second decision. I didn’t even go ahead with it. We were on our way back when the accident happened. I knew that you would be furious and would try to stop me.”

  “So you knew how much it would piss me off but you still went ahead and did it anyway!”

  “Just because you don’t agree with something doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it, Nate! You can’t tell me what to do, how to react or behave! You’re annoyed with me because I didn’t tell you something but you don’t open up to me at all! I don’t even feel as if I know you at the moment!”

  “Don’t be ridiculous!”

  “How dare you be cross with me when you haven’t shared anything with me unless I’ve forced it out of you!”

  “For fuck’s sake!” he practically growled, dragging his hand through his hair. “Lena! It’s a bit different! You went to meet some fucking psychopath without telling me…You got hurt and you scared the shit out of me. I’ve held back the crappy details of my relationship with my brother. You can’t really compare the two!”

  “You expect me to tell you everything!” I shouted back at him, wondering where the hell this conversation was going.

  I felt so frustrated with him. We were both yelling at each other, tempers frayed to breaking point.

  “I expect the goddamn truth from you!” he exploded and I looked at him in confusion.

  “What?” I was completely lost now, mad as hell and totally confused.

  “Did you meet a guy earlier?” He spoke calmly but I could hear his barely controlled anger.

  “A guy?” I repeated dumbfounded, and he narrowed his eyes at me, his hand rubbing viciously at the nape of his neck.

  “I’m giving you the chance to be straight with me. I’m giving you another chance to tell me.”

  I threw my hands up in frustration with him. “Oh, my God, Nate! What the hell are you going on about now? What the hell has this got to do with anything? No! No guy! I thought you were joking!”

  I felt like screaming. I had no idea what the hell he was going on about or what this had to do with anything.

  “I went to work…I spent the whole day in the office. The only guy I saw was Byron. I went out for lunch with Anna and then we came back. I left work at 4.30pm and went straight to Maddie’s where I left my car and had a few drinks – she’d called and was missing me - is this all OK with you? I let my parents know my plans had changed. I didn’t realise I’d need to check with you, too!” My tone was sardonic and mocking and I saw his face harden.

  He clenched his jaw as he reached into his pocket to pull out his phone. “Can you explain this, then? It’s you, in the same clothes you’re wearing right now, getting up close and personal with someone that looks remarkably like a goddamn fucking mystery man.” His voice was hard as he thrust the phone at me.

  I looked at the screen which showed a photo of me taken earlier in the day. I felt tears spring to my eyes but blinked them back, focusing instead on the rage that spread through my body, engulfing me, red hot and ferocious. I could hear the blood rushing through my head as I fought to keep calm. My stomach was churning. I stared at the picture almost in a daze, hardly able to focus past the red mist that was descending over me.

  “You bastard!” I murmured quietly, before slowly shaking my head and turning to stare at him. “You absolute fucking bastard!” I seethed, “How dare you!”

  He looked taken aback for a moment before responding harshly. “Is that or is that not you, Sweetheart? Don’t try and act all outraged when you’re the one who’s lying!”

  My heart was pounding and I clenched my hand tightly around his phone, the other balled up tightly in a fist at my side, forcing myself to try and slow down my breathing and keep the tears away.

  I wouldn’t cry in front of him.

  I wasn’t going to let him see how much he had just devastated me.

  “What the fuck are you doing with a photo of me?” I demanded, biting the words out through gritted teeth, my jaw clenched so tight it was painful.

  His composure slipped for a split second before he retorted, “Why did you feel the need to lie to me?”

  “I didn’t lie! Fucking hell, Nate!”

  He pulled a face to show that he didn’t believe me.

  “That’s Aaron. He’s Paul’s son. I saw him for literally two minutes as he was passing where we were having food. I’m sorry it slipped my mind but it wasn’t a big deal! He simply came over to check that I was alright then went on his way…I didn’t even think to mention it because you don’t know him and it didn’t seem like a notable event! I wasn’t aware that I needed to keep a record of every male that I interact with
throughout the day!”

  He began to speak, probably to try and defend himself, but I was furious and continued to yell at him, refusing to listen to his excuses.

  “I’m not putting up with this shit, Nate! No way! You can go to hell! Where did you get your idea from? My father? What the hell is up with the men in my life going behind my back! What happened to me being able to trust you, Nate?”

  I was screaming at him now, absolutely livid that, after everything that I’d shared with him, he could stoop so low.

  He looked stunned for a second before shouting back at me, “You think I took the photos of you?” He was outraged, his voice tinged with both hurt and anger, but the proof was right there in front of me.

  I threw his phone back at him with force and it hit him hard in the chest before falling to the floor. He didn’t even try to catch it but let it lie there. He just looked at me, a myriad of emotions going over his face.

  “You make me sick! You say you were scared of losing me, Nate. Act like a man and talk to me! Sneaking around taking photos and trying to catch me out - that’s pathetic! You think, because that skanky bitch cheated on you, that we’re all dirty, little liars, huh? I’m not Clarissa! I thought we had trust!” My voice was bitter and I shook my head at him in disgust.

  “Trust! How fucking ironic!” He yelled back at me as I snatched up my bag.

  He moved to block the doorway as I walked forward, “Let. Me. Go.” I snarled at him, wanting to get the hell away from him.

  He stood there, his face unreadable, his chest rising and falling rapidly, and his hands balled up tightly at his sides. He looked as if he wanted to say more, but then he barely shook his head and stepped aside.

  I stormed out of the house, getting outside before calling for a taxi. Thankfully, it came within a few minutes. I managed to hold onto my composure to give my parents’ address, before I allowed the tears that I’d been holding back to flow freely down my face. The driver asked if I was ok and I nodded before he discreetly turned the radio up. I rubbed at my chest, half-expecting to feel a gaping hole where my heart used to be.

  The betrayal I’d felt by my father was one thing, but I perversely understood his misguided attempt to keep me safe. Nate doing this, though - going behind my back and hurting me like this, that I couldn’t understand. I’d trusted him more than I’d ever trusted anyone, I’d told him things that I never thought I’d be able to say out loud. I couldn’t understand why he would do it. Once again hurt by a person who’d sworn he’d never betray me, who’d promised that he would never hurt me, and I’d been stupid enough to actually believe him.

  My chest and side hurt from crying, but the physical pain was a welcome relief from the agony when he’d torn out my heart and shredded it in front of me.

  I made it into work the following day, I was tired and irritable but I needed to get back to reality. I’d been glad that my parents had been asleep by the time I’d arrived home the night before, and I’d left before seeing them this morning. I would need to get a taxi back to Maddie’s to collect my car after work, and then I planned on going back to my own house.

  I’d not heard anything from Nate, I didn’t know if I’d really expected to. I was so angry for allowing myself to get into this situation. I’d been fine on my own.

  Why had I given him the power to hurt me like this?

  I kept glancing at the phone, expecting and hoping to see a message, before losing patience with myself and throwing it in my desk drawer.

  Work kept me busy. I still had a lot of catching up to do from the time I’d had off following the accident, so the day went quickly.

  I sent Maddie a quick text to let her know I’d collected my car and drove home. I got in and decided to hit the treadmill since I wasn’t up to returning to my training yet. I managed barely two miles before having to stop due to my aching ribs.

  I had a shower and put comfy clothes on. I collected myself a small mountain of junk food, slouched on the sofa and flicked through the channels trying to distract myself with something.

  No matter what I did to keep myself busy, I couldn’t stop replaying the previous evening over and over in my mind. It had started off so well before crumbling around me. Just as I’d finally started to feel as if things were getting back to normal, everything had fallen apart in the worst possible way.

  I kept remembering Nate’s face as I’d left. Rather than the guilt I’d been expecting, he’d looked angry, hurt and vaguely disappointed.

  He had no goddamn right to be any of those things!

  It had plagued me all day. The more I thought about it, the more infuriated I got. He hadn’t even tried to explain himself. He’d just stood and watched me walk away from him.

  Maybe this is what he’d wanted, maybe this is why he’d pulled away since the accident, forced my hand so that I was the one to walk and his conscience could be clear. He hadn’t fought for us or tried to excuse himself. He was completely and utterly in the wrong. I couldn’t imagine how I couldn’t get past this. I couldn’t think of any explanation he could give that would make me accept his actions.

  But, still, I just wanted to hear from him; I wanted to hear his voice even though I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say.

  I gave up on the TV and went upstairs, crawled into bed and pulled the sheet right up under my chin despite the night being warm.

  I hated the person that I’d become.

  He’d broken down my defenses and left me weak and shattered. He’d taken me back to that emotional place I’d sworn I’d never be in again, and I despised the both of us for it.

  I lay there staring at the ceiling and trying to ignore my thoughts until sleep finally took me.

  I went to the refuge on Saturday and for the first time I had to force myself to muster up the enthusiasm to go. The women were all pleased to see me and Marjorie fussed over me after hearing about my accident. It was a nice distraction, but I found it draining to keep the smile plastered on my face.

  I was glad to get back to my car and allow myself to once again wallow in my misery. I spent the night watching reruns of Friends in the hope of cheering myself up.

  I hadn’t heard anything at all from Nate and I felt the loss of him like a physical ache. Everything took more effort than I could cope with. It was as if part of me was missing. I felt broken, damaged beyond repair and I couldn’t imagine how we would fix this.

  I looked at my phone continually even though I tried to stop myself. The message notifications had my heart soaring with hope before it shattered into a million pieces all around me again.

  He was the first thing on my mind when I woke up and the last thing I thought of before I closed my eyes. It had been only a few days but we’d not gone this long without speaking since we’d been together.

  Maddie had texted me a few times and I’d answered her, trying to keep it vague, but I knew that she sensed something was up. She was working all weekend or I was sure she would have turned up.

  I tried to tell myself that this would pass, that my life would continue as it had before Nate Masters had come into it, but my heart screamed out in protest.

  A new week started and I went to work, going through on autopilot. It was a cliché but everything felt dull and bland; it was as if all the light had been taken away. I had the strength to get myself dressed and to the office but I barely interacted with anyone. I couldn’t raise a smile and just threw myself into my work until it was late and time to go home.

  I felt numb; it was as if all my emotions had closed down to try and save me from the heartache that was consuming me. I couldn’t eat and barely slept.

  Nate had taken over my every thought. I kept trying to justify his actions to myself. I kept hoping that he would call to apologise so that I could worry about trying to forgive him. I spent more time than I’d admit to, looking at my phone, willing it to ring, listening to voice messages that he had left me just so that I could hear his voice. I missed him more than I’d ever
have thought was possible.

  I didn’t know what hurt the most - that he had destroyed my trust in him or that, without a second thought, he had allowed me to walk away.

  Nate

  I thought I’d known heartbreak. I’d spent seven years with Clarissa and it had hurt when I’d caught her and my brother together, but Lena gutted me.

  The pain in her eyes, the heartbreak and devastation on her face had torn me apart. I’d fucked up, not explained myself or said the right things, but for her to believe, after everything we’ve been through, that I would betray her like that, that fucking stung.

  Maybe I should have grabbed her and forced her to listen to me, but, instead, I’d stood aside and watched her walk away. She’d talked about trust but she hadn’t trusted me. She’d believed without hesitation that I would be capable of doing that to her, and I’d been so fucking angry with her that I’d let her go.

  I repeatedly swung at the punchbag as I thought over the previous night. My body drenched in sweat but my temper had hardly abated at all.

  I’d been caught off-guard when I’d seen her looking at my letter, then the conversation had spiralled out of control and, before I knew it, I’d been yelling at her the one thing that I’d needed to broach carefully, which had been niggling away in the back of my mind, but which really should have paled in comparison to keeping her safe.

  She needed to know about the photo, but I should have shown her carefully, explained everything to her and waited to find out who Mr. Touchy-Fucking-Feely was, but I’d snapped. She’d misunderstood the photo and it had all gone to hell.

  I glanced towards the treadmill as I threw my boxing gloves to the floor. No amount of exercise was going to help.

  I had more rage than I had energy.

  I turned the music off and walked upstairs to shower. I was mad at myself, furious with Lena and pissed off with the whole situation. I’d said she was worth the drama, worth the hassle – but was she? My whole being screamed the answer – yes. I knew she was.