Caught by Her Page 8

  I said I’d fight for her, for us, and I would – over and over, round for round, hit for hit - but I had to know that what we had was worth fighting for, and right now she had me doubting that, doubting us. I was willing to battle, to wage an all-out war if need be, but at the first hurdle, she’d walked away. She’d refused to trust me and left; she hadn’t even demanded answers or explanations; she’d simply believed the worst and gone.

  And damn if that didn’t burn.

  I’d only just made peace with my thoughts and feelings and now she had me questioning them. I’d fought to get myself to trust in her, in us, to believe that she was worth the risk of love, and she’d walked away at the first opportunity.

  I was too mad at her to think straight at the moment.

  I’d made sure she was alright, obviously. I’d watched her get into the taxi and drive away before calling Michael to confirm that she’d arrived home safely. I’d explained, as briefly as possible, what had happened and had insisted that he contact Byron and Graham immediately to bring them up to speed. I’d made him promise me that she would have someone with her at all times.

  He sounded concerned and a little insulted at my demands but, as much as I liked Michael, I wasn’t interested in his feelings when it came to keeping Lena safe. Despite his illness, I could trust him to make sure she was protected. She was always the priority – I just wasn’t in a position to be able to help with that at the moment.

  I felt too caught up in this, too caught up in her. I was too close to be able to think straight, too tangled up in my own feelings and emotions.

  Maybe this had been the wake-up call that I needed. Things were too intense. I needed to be able to take a step back and get some clarity again. How was I supposed to be able to focus clearly when she was the only thing that I could see?

  I stood in the shower, leaning on my forearms against the shower wall and letting the heated water run down my back.

  One silly word!

  That one moment had changed everything. Just when I was making peace with the turmoil inside my head- lying with her in my arms, listening to her contented breathing, the scent of sex thick in the air all around us - she’d pushed for us to talk.

  I knew I had pursued her. I’d wanted her, and I’d fought for her… but love!

  I’d never considered the prospect or implications of actually falling for Lena, but, the minute I was faced with losing her, the only thing I could think of was how much I needed and wanted her, how devastating the thought of not having her in my life was – yeah! I got how fucking ironic that was, considering the circumstances.

  I dried myself quickly and threw on tracksuit trousers and a tee shirt before going downstairs and getting myself a beer from the fridge. I slouched on the sofa, trying to quiet my thoughts with whatever trash was on the TV but I couldn’t stop my mind from drifting.

  I got up and pulled another two beers from the fridge, lining them up in front of me. My head was aching and I was sick of thinking, analysing and trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

  I flicked through the channels twice before giving up on the TV, and turning the music up loud.

  I jolted awake with a start the following morning, sprawled across the sofa, freezing cold and with a blinding headache. I staggered into the kitchen to get myself some water and headache tablets when I heard the knocking at the door. Before I took another step, the letterbox opened and I heard Marcus yell,

  “Nate! Wake up you lazy bastard! I’ve been calling you for twenty minutes – we’re gonna be late! Answer me now or I’m leaving your sorry arse here!”

  “Fuck!”

  I cursed out loud as I stumbled to open the front door, squinting my eyes as it opened and the sunlight shone through.

  “Jesus – you look rough as dogshit. What the hell has happened?”

  I shook my head, unwilling and unable to get into it with him.

  He waved his arm dismissively, “Bro, you look like roadkill. Go sort yourself out. Seriously! You’ve got ten minutes, though, and I’m out of here, with or without you.”

  I tried to give him an appreciative smile; there was no way I’d have been able to drive myself to work today.

  After showering and dressing quickly, I went downstairs to meet Marcus. He’d cleared away the remnants of my party for one and was looking at me in disapproval.

  I scowled at him. I didn’t have the energy for him and his soapbox at the moment. My head was still pounding and my stomach was threatening to revolt against me. We’d need to stop for something to eat on the way. I walked past him without meeting his questioning look and picked up my wallet and phone before going to the front door and holding it for him to follow.

  He didn’t speak until we were almost at the station. Singing along to the radio, he’d lulled me into a false sense of security as I sat staring out of the passenger window. “So, what’s happened?”

  I didn’t answer him, staring intently out of the window at nothing in particular.

  “Fine, you’re a grumpy prick, so I’m guessing it’s Lena. I’ll stay out of it. If you need a drinking partner, though, you know you’ve only got to pick up the phone. With two of us it’s social; on your own it’s just sad.”

  I turned and gave him a genuine smile which he reciprocated before playfully punching me in the arm.

  “Just sort your shit out. I’m not a fan of this look and I’m not your fucking maid either.”

  It had been a couple of days since Lena’d walked out and I’d not heard anything from her. I was still pissed off. I still didn’t know what the hell I wanted, only that I felt like crap. I knew that I’d let my own hurt and anger affect my judgement.

  The messages had done the very thing they’d set out to do: they’d tapped into that little sliver of doubt that I’d held onto; they’d exploited that and I knew it.

  Lena wasn’t anything like Clarissa. I knew in my heart I could trust her, or at least I wanted to, but – fuck! - taking the leap of faith was damn near impossible! And knowing now that she didn’t trust me, that was pissing me off. I was stubborn and selfish. I wanted everything from her but hadn’t offered anything of myself.

  I could only imagine the strength and courage it had taken for her to open up to me, to trust me with her secrets and her body…and I was a coward, I hadn’t treated her with the same respect or decency. I’d held everything back, not wanting to give too much away or fall too hard. I knew all this and still I hadn’t made the effort to contact her.

  The pain and hurt in her eyes as she’d looked at me haunted me. I’d been angry at her. I still was, but even that was feeling pointless.

  I was angry with her for what?

  For thinking the very thing that I probably would have?

  For jumping to conclusions – conclusions based on the fact that someone she’d loved had done the very same thing to her?

  Could I really blame her for her reaction? Especially after the way that I’d shown her the photos?

  I’d pulled away from her after the accident because I hadn’t wanted to get hurt again, but I was fucking hurting now. The ache in my chest was constant; the sense of loss was almost suffocating.

  Training and alcohol weren’t having the numbing effect that I’d hoped for. Nothing helped.

  I’d promised her that I’d fight for her, but I’d backed down when it came to it, and I fucking hated myself for it. I knew that my reasons were selfish - I didn’t want to love her. I didn’t want this giant shit-storm of emotions and feelings sucking me under whenever I thought of her.

  I pulled up outside the residential housing complex and took a deep breath, trying to gather the courage to go in and face my Gramps. I knew he’d be disappointed that Lena hadn’t come, and I didn’t want to have to explain myself to him.

  I had no idea how to explain myself.

  I kept telling myself I just needed time to think things through but the same thoughts were going around in my mind on repeat.

 
I barely glanced at the reception desk - I didn’t have the energy for banter and small talk. I forced a small, tight smile at Gloria and walked straight through, walking towards his room on heavy, reluctant legs.

  My Gramps was sitting waiting for me next to the table with a chess board set up. His smile fell away as he saw that I was alone. “No Lena?”

  “No, Gramps, she couldn’t make it.” I took a seat and stared at the chessboard as if deep in thought. I couldn’t make eye contact with him: he’d see straight though my deceit.

  We began to play, talking about nothing in particular. I laughed at his stories and concentrated on keeping my face smiling and my feet and hands still.

  I felt him watching me but ignored his curious looks. Feigning tiredness after an hour or so, I yawned and told him I was exhausted and needed to get an early night. I could see the unspoken questions that he was holding back and hoped that he’d keep them to himself. I almost made it out. I’d put my jacket back on and turned towards the door before he spoke up.

  “I’m guessing that you don’t want to talk about it?”

  I looked down at the floor, still with my back to him, feeling like a little kid as I scuffed my shoe. It had been naïve of me to think I’d be able to get through a visit without my Gramps acknowledging my upset, no matter how well I tried to hide it.

  “Not really, Gramps…”

  “I don’t know what’s going on, but humour an old man and listen to me for a moment or two?”

  I shrugged my shoulders, feeling cornered. I knew whatever pearls of wisdom he was about to impart were going to leave me feeling even worse than I already did.

  I was trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing by letting her walk away, trying to convince myself that it was her choice to go, trying unsuccessfully to blame her for the fucked-up mess that we found ourselves in.

  I didn’t need him telling me otherwise; I already knew I was telling myself bullshit.

  I turned towards him but kept my face cast downwards.

  “I don’t know what’s going on, Nate, and I won’t pry, but don’t screw this up because of things someone else did, and don’t walk away because of what-if’s. Didn’t you listen to me last time? This is not the way to protect your heart. You’re just going to hurt the both of you.”

  His words were like arrows piercing me with their truth, telling me the things that I already knew but didn’t want to acknowledge.

  “Lena will die someday, Nate. Someday we all will. Does that mean you should walk away so you’ll never have to risk the thought of losing her?”

  His blunt words feel like a punch to the gut. I worked my tongue in my cheek as I thought of a response, something more appropriate than telling him to go fuck himself. He carried on, regardless to the distress and turmoil that he knew his words would be causing.

  “Nor is Lena…Clarissa. You can’t punish her for something that someone else did. You’re letting the upset in your past affect your judgement. Don’t let past hurt affect any future happiness.”

  “I’m not!” I began, feeling indignant and he held up his hand to shush me.

  “Nate, whatever’s going on with you, you need to fix it. I’ve never seen you look so miserable. ”

  I glared at him. I really didn’t need to be getting into this conversation with him. He’d already tried this route with me and I’d made it clear that I didn’t want to talk about it. I said goodbye and walked towards the door, I’d only taken a few steps when he spoke up.

  “I never took you for a coward. Stop acting like a goddamn pussy. It’s about time you manned up!”

  I spun round and faced him, annoyed for the first time at my Gramps and the harsh tone he’d just used.

  “How long do you think you can hold onto the anger for? She did something to upset you; there’ll be plenty of that over the years, Nate. I thought we’d spoken about this, I don’t understand why you haven’t dealt with it, why you haven’t made things right - Why are you still listening to your bullshit and lies instead of to your heart?” I scoffed at him but he carried on regardless, “You love her and the thought of that terrifies you. I know the accident must have brought things up for you, Nate. I know it scared you. She could have died…”

  I clenched my jaw and turned my face from him. He continued to speak as I looked away,

  “- she didn’t, though. Life can change in a moment, Nate. You should know that better than most – how fleeting life can be, how quickly it can change in the blink of an eye - but that’s no reason to run away from the very things that make it worthwhile. Haven’t your experiences taught you anything? Hold onto the best things in life; treasure every moment; don’t waste time being stupid and stubborn. Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life running away from love and happiness because you’re scared of getting hurt? Y’know, I’ll be honest, boy - you look like you’re hurting now. I’ve never seen you so glum and miserable. You can’t fool me with your fake smiles. That girl was the best thing that’s ever happened to you and we both know it. No matter what’s going on, you should be busting your arse to fix it. Do you really think you can go back to free-and-easy after being with Lena? Are you stupid enough to think I’ll buy that? That you’ll buy that? If you’re willing to put more faith into your dick than you are into your heart, then you’re going to have problems,”

  “You’ve seen us once, Gramps. How can you possibly say I love her?” I muttered.

  He smiled at me, his face both condescending and loving at the same time. “Because I know you, Nate. I’ve seen the way you light up when you talk about her, the smile that accompanies her name, the way you are with her. You’re a strong, courageous man Nate. Don’t be a coward when it comes to her. Love isn’t the wonderful, sweet romance that you hear about in fairytales. It’s not for the fainthearted. Love requires guts and determination. If you want a love that will last a lifetime you need to fight for it; you need to prove you’re worthy of it. I know that you’re hurting and I know that you’re scared…”

  “Gramps, it’s not that…”

  “…Yes, it is, Nate. You are scared. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. Love can be terrifying - it means taking a chance on someone and something out of your control - but it’s also exhilarating and incredible. It saddens me that you’ll risk your life so willingly but hold back with your heart. Bombs, bullets and criminals don’t make you feel as vulnerable as your own emotions do.” He shook his head sadly. “I don’t know if you’re worried about her cheating – though I don’t for a second believe that she would ever be capable of that - or whether the accident really shook you up, but, if you’re thinking of self-preservation, Nate, you need to have a life worth preserving. Losing someone you love is the most painful experience you can have. You know that - the sense of loss - the grief – it’s never-ending - the pain never goes away - but I’d rather suffer the hurt than lose a single memory of the time I spent with your Grandma. Love isn’t a curse or a weakness, Nate. It’s the only thing that brings light into what could be an otherwise bleak world. It’s what makes every hard time bearable. Without love you’re not living; you’re just existing. ”

  I looked up to meet his eyes, the weight of his gaze making me drop my eyes back to the floor.

  “She thinks I betrayed her. She doesn’t trust me. Evidently, we don’t trust each other. I thought we had something worth fighting for; now I’m not so sure. She’s made me doubt us. She’s made me doubt her. It’s just a fucking mess, Gramps.” I spoke softly, looking past him, the words painful to speak and even more hurtful to hear out loud.

  He was quiet for a moment before moving to sit back in the chair in front of me. He looked at me patiently, waiting for me to go on but I couldn’t. He indicated for me to sit but I shook my head and told him I was going to head home.

  “Trust is the hardest thing to gain and the easiest thing to lose, Nate.”

  I glanced back at him

  “It should also be a two-way street.
You can’t expect it all from her when you give nothing of yourself,” he added looking long and hard at me. “Ignore the other people. There are two people in a relationship. If you are strong together, then nothing will be able to tear you apart.”

  My Gramps and his simple logic! If only it were that simple!

  “It’s not as easy as that, Gramps.”

  “There are always going to be difficult times. The secret is to always put your partner first. If you’re both looking out for each other, you’ll always have someone watching your back.”

  I couldn’t help but smile at his reasoning.

  “Nate, life is as easy or as complicated as you want to make it. If someone is interfering in your relationship and causing problems, remove them. Get them out of the way! It’s quite simple - if she loves you and you love her, that’s all you need, Nate. Everything else will follow on. You need to talk to her, though. Don’t shut her out. Think about what I’ve said, Nate.”

  I nodded my thanks at him and walked out.

  I was miserable. The week had crept past slowly and Gramps’ words were now echoing in my mind. I missed Lena, but at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to contact her. Normally I’d go straight after what was mine, but I was still resisting, still struggling to come to terms with the notion of loving her.

  I spoke to Michael frequently to ask if there was any news or further letters, but he told me that they hadn’t received anything more. He didn’t ask me any questions about Lena, and I wondered what, if anything, she had told them.

  Whatever was going to happen between us, her safety was paramount. I tried to use the distance between us to think clearly, to try and decipher all the jumbled up pieces of information in my mind. I needed to know who was writing these letters and why the hell that photo had been sent to me, I needed to know if it was from the same person.

  I’d tried twice to contact my ex-services pal Stevie, who had said that he would get details about Lena’s attacker but I’d not heard back from him.